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Monday, October 13, 2008

I got paid $900 to eat cantaloupe...

It's time for an overdue review of the Mitch Hedberg CD, Do You Believe in Gosh?

First off, for those who have Mitch's two previous discs, this one certainly doesn't measure up in terms of the number of laughs. But of course, this CD is a collection of jokes Mitch was working on at the time of his death - it wasn't intended to be the finished product.

Most of this material was already circulating on the Internet, so Mitch completists won't find a ton of new stuff here. The best way to look at Gosh is to think of it like a B-sides album.

That said, there are some classic Mitch moments:

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way...

I got New Balance shoes on, but they're old, so I might start falling...

You know back in the days of the guillotine, they never got to the two-bladed guillotine, like Gillette. 'One blade comes down and picks your head up, the other blade slices through'...

I want a chicken thumb. They most be accumulating - no one ever orders them.

One time I was supposed to be on David Letterman, and it was the same night that Madonna was on, and Madonna went long so I got bumped. But I got to eat cantaloupe backstage so it was still cool. It was already cut up into bite-size pieces. I got paid $900 to eat cantaloupe. That's fucking unprecedented! I rubbed that shit in my dad's face. I said, 'You've never been paid that much to eat cantaloupe. You always have to do it for free!'

I ran some Evian water through a filter, the shit disappeared. It was so fucking pure!

I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in!

If you have dentures, do not use artificial sweetener cause you will get a fake cavity.

I asked directions to the store, this guy said, 'Well that's just a hop, skip and jump away.' Well, that's not how I'm getting there. You got directions for those who are walking?

I want to go to a lake and put tea bags in there, like a hundred of them, for a week. And then I'm gonna tea ski.

I was at the airport, I put my bag on the x-ray machine. I found out that my bag has cancer. It only has 6 more months to hold shit.

I taught myself how to play guitar, which was a bad decision, cause I didn't know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.

A fly was very close to being called a land, cause that's what it does half the time.

I never had a piggy bank, but one time I had some bacon that tasted an awful lot like change.

I'm selling t-shirts after the show. They don't have my name on them, they're just Hanes 3-packs.

1 comment:

Willie said...

I want a chicken thumb too!!