Tonight at 9 pm are the 2007 Video Music Awards, from the Palms in Las Vegas, and I'm blogging as it happens. I've barely paid attention to the nominees, and I don't even know who's hosting, so I'll be going in cold, which I think is a good thing. I've seen pretty much every music awards show of the past 15 years so I'm pretty much obligated to watch...
I just went to the Wikipedia page for the awards show and learned that all the genre-specific awards have been done away with. That means no Best Dance Video, Best Hip Hop Video, Best Rock Video, and, for fucks sake, no Viewers Choice Award! What in God's name is MTV thinking? There are only 12 awards now, including such bullshit categories as "Most Earthshattering Collaboration," "Monster Single of the Year," and "Quadruple Threat of the Year," which goes to someone who is in music, movies, TV, etc.
This is absurd. Now, I'm completely unable to take these awards seriously. I'm going to spend the next hour and 40 minutes bitching, until Britney takes the stage to open the show.
Sway is interviewing Rihanna on the pre-show. I like Sway, he's a cool dude. I was never a huge Rihanna fan but "Umbrella" is undeniable and might be the single of the year. Sway throws it back to John Norris, who appears to have some sort of small rodent on his head. I like John though; I'm glad MTV has kept him around amidst all its new teenage VJs. John actually knows music and knows how to conduct an interview and ask questions other than "What are you most looking forward to tonight?"
Britney is on stage and there's an extreme closeup. She looks cross-eyed. She doesn't even have a mic on - she's not even pretending to sing live this time. I kind of admire the honesty, I must say. Oh wait, there is a tiny mic under her hair. The track is decent but I'm quite underwhelmed by this performance. She's barely even dancing. It looks like she's going through the motions. I have to say, I don't think she looks too bad considering the craziness of the past year.
Edit: Maybe I spoke too soon, after seeing this photo:
Sarah Silverman does some comedy... I'm not a fan of the new trend of award show hosts insulting the attendees, but she's not too inappropriate this time. Her best line is saying of 50 Cent, "It's so cute that he's still alive." She also says of Britney - "She is 25-years-old and she’s already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life." Alicia Keys comes out and cuts to Pete Wentz, whose microphone is off. Whoops!
They're announcing the nominees for Monster Single of the Year. One of the 11 nominees is "Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama. I've never even heard of this song. The winner is Umbrella by Rihanna. This might be the only award I agree with all night.
Seth Rogen and the other guy from Superbad make an appearance. It lasts all of ten seconds. Boo.
The Quadruple Threat award goes to Justin Timberlake, who is in some other room partying. I don't get it.
They're showing a 90-second clip of Fall Out Boy playing Thks Fr Th Mmrs, apparently sponsored by Rhapsody. Is this live, or is this a commercial? Why do they keep cutting to these mini-performances? It's like MTV is bringing the ADD vibe of TRL to its awards show now. This is about the tenth WTF? moment of the show, and we're only 25 minutes in.
Kanye and 50 are onstage to give out the Collaboration award to Beyonce and Shakira. I thought that was a terrible song. MTV has been making a big deal about the fact that this year's awards will only air once; I'm starting to become incredibly grateful for that decision.
Chris Brown is performing, even though I don't think he had any hits in the past year. He's not singing live, either. Apparently, you only get a full performance if you agree to lip sync.
Rihanna comes out to join Chris Brown. I get my hopes up, thinking they'll do the remix of Umbrella where Chris sings a verse and changes the lyric to "Cinderella", but instead he starts dancing to Billie Jean. I don't have a fucking clue what's going on.
Male Artist of the Year goes to Justin Timberlake. Now I'm thinking it's a good idea MTV had Kanye host a party in a separate room, so he can't rush the stage to interrupt other peoples' speeches.
Short clip of Justin & 5o doing the new single "Ayo Technology." Stupid title, good song. Next up, Fergie wins female artist of the year. Um, ok.
Kanye gets to play a full song. I like that he's performing from a balcony, several stories up in the Palms. That's one cool thing about having the show in this venue. I don't recognize the song, but there's a Snakes on a Plane reference, so it gets points in my book.
Fall Out Boy win a moonman, and this qualifies as a major highlight to me, given how lousy the rest of the broadcast has been so far. A few minutes later, Rihanna is singing Shut Up and Drive with Fall Out Boy. This collaboration, I actually like.
It's Alicia Keys' turn to perform. I don't like most of her stuff, but this song isn't bad. Still, it's a toss-up whether I want to keep watching this, or go to bed.
It's back to the Fall Out Boy party, where Gym Class Heroes are playing Clothes Off!, allowing me to drop in another reference to Jermaine Stewart. Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner come out to present Best New Artist and it goes to Gym Class Heroes - no surprise, since their teen fans were likely to be the most active dialing up the phonelines.
Miss Teen South Carolina ("some people don't have maps") makes an appearance and pokes fun at herself. Finally, a legitimately funny moment!
Robin Thicke comes on for a 30-second performance. I take him about as seriously as I take Vanilla Ice. Am I the only one who thinks he is a joke?
Dr. Dre gets the lifetime achievement award. OK, I can buy that. Wait, did he actually get an award, or did he just get a glowing introduction from Mary J. Blige? I don't see any award in his hand. Strange. Dre gives out Video of the Year, and it's Rihanna. It's not deserved at all, but I wasn't holding my breath they'd actually give it to Justice.
Diddy is on stage and makes a reference to a fight between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee that happened earlier. This is a juicy story that we clearly need more details on. Diddy introduces the Timbaland medley, with my girl Nelly Furtado and Justin finishing it off with Give it to Me.
Mercifully, it's over. This was quite possibly the least interesting MTV awards ever. I have nothing more to say. Only two months until the Billboard awards!